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Relationship Quiz: Why is it so hard to find the right one?

by Carl Weisman

Direct questions or comments about this article to
Carl Weisman
PO Box 1941, Redondo Beach, CA 90278
Email: Carl@WhyNeverMarried.com

The Story of the Resume and the Puzzle

As an unmarried man of 49 I know a lot of other such situated men, some of whom are my close friends. A good number of these men are not in a relationship but would like to be. They’ve tried it all: online dating services, bars, group activities, you name it. And these are good, quality guys. They are educated, make good money, treat women well, don’t do drugs and no matter how hard they try, they just can’t seem to meet Ms Right. Now these guys are not without their flaws—who is?—but overall, most people would think they are a pretty good catch. If that were the end of the story, there would be nothing to write about. But I also know some similarly situated women. High quality, attractive, professional women who would like to be in a relationship but just can’t seem to find Mr. Right.

It got me thinking. With technology available today such as online dating, anyone has the ability to identify millions of potential “right ones” in a matter of minutes. How can it be with such a large and diverse selection, so many people have a hard time finding the right one? I have a theory. Maybe the problem isn’t with the finding, it’s with the looking.

I have a friend, let’s call him Lenny. Lenny is a handsome, well educated and successful man who actually met a women a few years back through online dating. She too was a good-looking, well educated professional. The two seemed well suited to each other. The relationship started well and was hot for a while, but ultimately cooled and the two have remained friends. At its height, their relationship could best be described as dysfunctional. When he would pursue, she would retreat. When he would loose interest, she would warm up. And when I asked my friend why he continued to play her game, he said because she has such a good resume. The resume of course being a metaphor for her having everything he wanted in a woman.

What my friend said really intrigued me. In the search for finding the right one, do people evaluate their choices like they were reviewing a resume? Is it a process not very different from hiring an employee? If the answer is yes, then I think there may be a flaw in that system. The problem is that reviewing some potential partner’s “resume” without considering context can result in some really poor choices. As an analogy, imagine you own a company and are in desperate need of an accountant, but for some unknown reason the resume of an engineer comes across your desk. Now this is no ordinary engineer, but a straight-A student with a PhD from MIT. The best engineer you are ever likely to come across. Would you hire them? No! You need an accountant. In fact, just an ordinary, competent accountant would serve your needs better than a world-class engineer. But how many people in the dating world end up hiring the engineer because they had such a good resume?

My feeling is that finding the right one is less about finding the perfect resume and more about finding the missing puzzle piece. Your right one only makes sense within the context of your life. Imagine trying to complete a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle. Somewhere along the way you have the opportunity to finish one area of the puzzle if only you can find that one last piece that fits perfectly. A lot of pieces almost fit, and if you find a close fit and you are impatient, you may be tempted to try and force it in (perhaps like some of your relationships), but in the end you have to relent, because you know it isn’t right—it doesn’t fit. Now in your quest to finish the puzzle you aren’t looking for the most beautiful puzzle piece, or the smartest puzzle piece, or even the puzzle piece with the best resume, you’re looking for the piece that fits. And there is no way to find the piece that fits without looking at the puzzle (i.e., you).

I think that’s why so many people have a hard time finding the right one. They’re looking for the wrong thing. It can be difficult to pass on that perfect resume when what you really need is the prefect puzzle piece. If you’re searching for the right one, the place to start is with yourself. What do you need? What fits in your life? They can be hard questions to answer honestly, but worth it. Have you ever asked an engineer to balance your books?

Direct questions or comments about this article to
Carl Weisman
PO Box 1941, Redondo Beach, CA 90278
Email: Carl@WhyNeverMarried.com